


synodic

by irrecular



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e13 Doomsday, Episode: s04e17-e18 The End of Time, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Love, Love Confessions, Memories, Sadness, Tenth Doctor's Regeneration, based off doomsday and the end of time, just an excuse to write dr who angst, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 11:24:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20114320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irrecular/pseuds/irrecular
Summary: it takes death to truly reconsider the choices made years beforeand unfortunately, these choices can't be changed in the next life





	synodic

**Author's Note:**

> this is awful @sarah i swear to god if you read this im blocking you

it ends in the way all things end with his companions - death or loss.

in this case it’s both.

not death in the conventional sense - rose is still very much alive. she’ll live to a healthy age, with her mother and father. she’ll always have mickey. she’ll still make the days long trip to bad wolf bay - but he tries not to think about that. 

he doesn’t want to think about her.

the way she cocked her head in confusion at his timelord jargon. or the way she smiled at one of his jokes that she had, finally - after years of travelling with him - begun to understand. her stark simplicity contrasted beautifully to his eccentric existence and he  _ misses _ it.

indefectible is a word he’d only ever attribute to rose tyler. it’s the only human word that could describe her - perfect isn’t suitable enough.

his fists vibrate with the impending announcement of a regeneration. 

“i’m burning up a star - just to say goodbye.”

he thinks back to that day and ignores the last spark of rationality in his still functioning brain.

_ if only he could go back in time _ . it’s ironic, he thinks.

because in that moment, he could have destroyed the universe to stay with her.

it’s his  _ birthright _ . he  _ should _ have.

he’s a stronger man now - he’s a man who now willingly bends the boundaries of time just because he  _ wants _ to. he wishes he was that person then.

he reckons the radiation is messing with his head - he’s not thinking straight.

he  _ knows _ this - knows it as he staggers over to the tardis’ console and gives her time coordinates.

waits until she lands, and walks out. his driving is a little wonky, he lands in a shed but it’ll do.

he walks out, and he sees her. 

a pained groan leaves him, he doesn’t know how much longer he can stave it off.

“you alright? too much to drink?”

god her voice. he’s missed it - the completely ordinary tone of it. strikes him like the most exotic dialect he’s heard.

“yeah,” he states plainly. how can he have a normal conversation with her?

before she leaves, he adds, “sorry, what year is it?”

she smiles and it hurts more, “blimey, how much you had? january first, 2005.”

there’s a silence and it pains him because  _ of course _ , she’s wary, a ‘drunk’ man chatting to her - what else could she assume.

“tell you what, i bet you’re going to have a really great year,” he says and it takes everything in him - everything in his weakened timelord form to not cry right there. not run up to her and hug her and tell her that  _ he loves her too _ .

she smiles - the genuine one - not the polite one and then she leaves. gone as quick as she came.

but that’s just her, isn’t it?

he reaches the tardis and prepares for the agony - the agony infinitely more painful than having to wipe donna's memory or forcing his alien consciousness into a fob watch. 

but it’s nothing compared to losing rose tyler.

**Author's Note:**

> dont @ me  
this was impulsive and bad


End file.
